He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
