Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
