Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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