if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
