Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
