i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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