made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
