who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize