the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
