I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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