looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The air was thick with penises
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
