im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this will be a night to untag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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