I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
