I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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