My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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