just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
