I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
