Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wanna go halves on a baby?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Do vagina's smell?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
