ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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