hotel room ftw
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
