im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
