he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
