So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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