...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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