dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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