I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize