everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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