I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
