Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
