I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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