I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize