Do you still have your period?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
