4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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