i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
