Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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