Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
