That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
