Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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