I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
