I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Fuck appropriateness.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
