I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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