I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
