My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
