Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
