After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize