just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
