Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
