why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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