I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
