You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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