It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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