the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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