Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
