i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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