Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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