The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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