Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize