I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize