Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize