Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
